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A man walked into a bar with an alligator on a lead.
“Do you serve accountants?” asked the man.
“Of course,” replied the barman.
“Great,” said the man, “I’ll have a pint of bitter and can I have an accountant for the alligator.”
Why did god make snakes before accountants?
He needed to get his eye in.
The accountant was stopped by the police while driving his car.
“Can I see your licence please, Sir?” asked the officer.
“I wish you would make your mind up. When your colleague pulled me over yesterday he took my licence off me. Now here you are asking me to you show it to you!”
What do you call an accountant who scores well in an IQ test?
Why do accountants dislike M&M’s?
They’re too hard to peel.
After 44 years of marriage the accountant looked at his wife one day and said: “Darling, we’ve been married for 44 years. Do you remember that cheap flat we lived in when we first got married? And the old banger of a car I used to drive? And every night…
The accountant was sitting in a posh restaurant with his wife when she looked over at a nearby table where a very drunk man was ordering more drinks. “Do you know him?” asked the accountant. “That’s the third time you’ve looked over at that table.” “Yes,” replied his wife. “He’s…
The accountant was sitting in his local pub having a drink and watching the 10 o’clock news on the TV behind the bar. There was a story on the news about a man stood on the roof of a building and threatening to jump off. The accountant turns to the…
An accountant walks into a pub and says to the landlord: “I bet you £200 I can pee into a glass on the top shelf behind you without spilling a drop. The landlord thinks for a moment and says “You’re on.” so the accountant drops his trousers and pees all…
An accountant received a parrot as a gift from a client, The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. The accountant tried to change the birds attitude by saying only polite words, playing…