One Liners

A man walked into a bar with an alligator on a lead.

“Do you serve accountants?” asked the man.

“Of course,” replied the barman.

“Great,” said the man, “I’ll have a pint of bitter and can I have an accountant for the alligator.”

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Why did god make snakes before accountants?

He needed to get his eye in.

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The accountant was stopped by the police while driving his car.

“Can I see your licence please, Sir?” asked the officer.

“I wish you would make your mind up. When your colleague pulled me over yesterday he took my licence off me. Now here you are asking me to you show it to you!”

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What do you call an accountant who scores well in an IQ test?

A cheat.

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Why do accountants dislike M&M’s?

They’re too hard to peel.

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Did you hear about the accountant who stayed up all night studying for his blood test?

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What is the difference between an accountant and a computer?

You only have to punch the information into the computer once.

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Did you hear the joke about the deaf accountant?

Neither has he.

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An man walked into a bar and after ordering a a pint he was chatting to the barman. “Do you want to hear a funny joke about accountants?” he asked.

“I’m warning you,” said the barman, “I’m an accountant and and just working here today to help out my friend who is short of staff.

“That’s all right,” said the man. “I’ll tell it slowly.”

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An accountant rang British Airways and asked how long it would take to fly from London to New York.

“Just a minute, sir,” said the voice on the other end of the line.

“Thank you very much,” said the accountant and hung up

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What do you call 100 accountants at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

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How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many can you afford?

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How do you tell who the accountant is on an oil rig?

He is the one throwing bread to the helicopters.

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What do you call an accountant with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

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How do you keep an accountant happy in her old age?

Tell her the joke when she is young.

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The accountants wife went into labour and the accountant callled 999.

“Is this her first child?” asked the ambulance dispatcher.
“No. This is her husband Derek,” replied the accountant.

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What do you have when an accountant is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

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How do you brainwash an accountant?

Give him an enema.

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Did you hear about the accountant who was asked to be a Jehovah’s Witness

He refused because he didn’t see the accident.

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What is difference between a dead badger and a dead accountant lying in the road?

Skid marks in front of the badger.

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What is black and brown and looks good on an auditor?

A rottweiler.

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What is the difference between your accountant and a vampire?

Vampires only bleed you dry at night.

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How do you tell when your accountant is lying?

His lips are moving.

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What do you do if find an accountant buried up to his neck in cement?

Get more cement.

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What is the difference between an accountant and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before you jump on the trampoline.

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Did you hear about the accountant who locked his keys in his car?

He had to call a locksmith to get his family out!

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What do accountants use for birth control?

Their personality.

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why did the accountant climb over a glass wall?

To see what was on the other side.

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How do you drive an accountant crazy?

Give her a bag of M&M’s and ask for them to be put in alphabetical order.

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How do you keep an accountant busy for hours?

Give him a piece of paper with “Please Turn Over” written on both sides.

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What do you call an accountant with half a brain?

A genius.

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Why do accountants wear slip-on shoes?

Because you need an IQ of at least 70 to tie a shoelace.

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What is the difference between an accountant and a prostitute.

The prostitute only screws one person at a time.

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Why don’t they give accountants coffee breaks?

Because it would take too long to retrain them afterwards.

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Why did the accountant cut a hole in his umbrella?

So that he could see when it was raining.

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Did you hear about the accountant whose client died and was buried at sea?

The accountant drowned when he went to the grave to pay his respects.

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What is the difference between an accountant and a pothole?

Nobody drives over the same pothole more than once.

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How do you confuse an accountant?

Place three shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

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Did you hear the terrorists who hijacked a plane full of accountants?

They threatened to release one hostage per hour until their demands were met.

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If you see your accountant riding a bicycle, why shouldn’t you run him over?

He is probably riding your bicycle.

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Why did the accountant write TGIF on his shoes?

To remind him “Toe Goes In First”.

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How do you confuse an accountant?

You can’t. They are born that way.

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The accountant was turned away from the restaurant. “We don’t serve accountants here,” said the waiter.

“That’s ok,” said the accountant. “I don’t eat accountants.”

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Do you know how to save a drowning accountant?

No? … Good.

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Why won’t a shark attack an accountant when they are swimming in the sea?

Professional courtesy.

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How do you sink an accountant’s submarine?

Knock on the hatch.

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Client: “Please close the window. It’s cold outside.”

Accountant: “If I close the window will it get warm outside?”

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Why did the accountant die while drinking milk?

The cow fell on him.

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The accountant was driving down the M1 to a meeting with a client when her friend called her on the phone. The friend said: “Be careful, there is a car going the wrong way up the M1.”

The accountant replied: “They’ve got it wrong. It’s not one car it’s hundreds of them.”

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How do you make an accountant laugh on Monday morning?

Tell them a joke on Friday night.

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What do you call an accountant on a motorbike?

A rebel without a clue.

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Did you hear about the accountant who broke both legs raking leaves?

He fell out of the tree.

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Did you hear about the accountant who broke both legs while ironing the curtains?

He fell out of the window.

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Did you hear about the accountant who went to a mind reader?

There was no charge.

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Why did the accountant cut a hole in the carpet?

He wanted to see a floor show.

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Two accountants were in a canoe on holiday. It was chilly so they lit a fire in the boat. The boat sank proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it!

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There was an accountant who was late for work during a power failure because he got stuck on the escalator.

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Why would accountants make great astronauts?

They took up space in school.

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What do you call an accountant who practices birth control?

A humanitarian.

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Why do people take an instant dislike to accountants?

It saves time later on.

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