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Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with a pencil and paper.

A fellow walks into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and 
says, "Can I help? Have you lost something? " 
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable 

Q: Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean? 
A: They found out that deep down they're really not so bad. 

Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between 
them was placed a briefcase full of money. 

Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the 
briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?... 

Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap 

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.

"This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant."

"I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."

A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?" 

The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field" 

"You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist 

"How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously 

"Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!"

Q: Who was the world's first accountant? 
A: Adam. He turned a leaf and made an entry! 

Q: What is the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe? 
A: A tragedy is a shipful of accountants going down in a storm.... A catastrophe is when they can all swim! 

Q: What do you call 500 accountants at the bottom of the ocean? 
A: A good start. 

Q: How do you save a drowning accountant? 
A: Take your foot off their head. 

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire? 
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night. 

What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 
How much money do you have?

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
"Darling, tell me about your work."

When the accountant laughs loud?
When some one asks for a raise.

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?"
The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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